A controversial magic trick 
has been ruffling the feathers of our Chinese friends non-enemies this week. The trick, which appears to approximate a synchronized swimming routine, except with a half-dozen Chinese goldfish, is alleged by numerous animal rights groups to rely on feeding the fish magnets in order to dictate their underwater movements.
I care a lot about animals, but I have to admit that my first reaction was, “This guy is a genius.”
The fact that the activists have no proof of cruelty, yet have gotten magician Fu Yandong in serious trouble (and the trick pulled from television) seems absurd to me. Whatever happened to the ancient jurisprudential concept of “non-cruel until proven magnetic?”
Fu has taken some extraordinary steps in response to the outcry. Specifically, he says that he’ll violate the sacred magician’s code and reveal the secret of the trick in the near future in order to silence his critics.
My guess is that he’s furiously working on a new way to do the trick before the vague deadline.
You know—a way that doesn’t involve magnets.
Here’s the trick:
The Axis of Ego 
I can’t say fo’ sho’ that these goldfish have ingested magnets. But I do know three things:
1) The innards of fancy goldfish (like those) are fucked the hell up. If somebody took a three story labyrinth and smooshed to about half it’s original size, that is what goldfish innards look like. So I don’t know big the magnet would have been, but it couldn’t have been any bigger than a pea.
2) Because their innards are so fucked, they would have had to ingest the magnet five minutes before going on stage. Otherwise they would have developed swim bladder problems and been unable to do much but float about pathetically.
3) I just checked my two goldfish and conferred with them. Goldfish do not swim like that. Those look like they’re seizing.
But still–where did the lighter fluid come from?
Think what he could do with a Playboy Magazine.
As an avid magnet enthusiast, I will be keeping a close eye on his announcement as I have pledged the rid the world of magnet abuse!
Remember kids — Opposites Attract!
We need more magnet enthusiasm in the world.