Our previously-vague, sometimes-confusing comrades friends at Occupy Wall Street finally released a long-awaited proposed list of demands a couple of days ago.  And, yes, the group has since pointed out that this demani-festo is merely the work of one supporter, and not an official statement by the group or its “General Assembly.”  Occupy Wall Street further states that the list’s prominence is entirely the result of actions by “irresponsible news/commentary agencies.”

That inconvenient truth won’t get in the way of a good piece.  Let’s break this down – irresponsibly!

Demand one: Restoration of the living wage. This demand can only be met by ending “Freetrade” by re-imposing trade tariffs on all imported goods entering the American market to level the playing field for domestic family farming and domestic manufacturing as most nations that are dumping cheap products onto the American market have radical wage and environmental regulation advantages. Another policy that must be instituted is raise the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hr.

Translation: “Look, I’m going to be totally honest with you up front.  Math is – shall we say – not exactly my strong suit.  Enthusiasm and passion?  All day long.  Multiplication and division?  Not so much.  So, I’m not sure exactly how much damage protectionist tariffs would do to the economy in quantifiable terms, nor am I certain whether retaliatory tariffs by other countries would wind up doing more harm than good.  I still think this seems like a terrific way to defend American interests.  We need to level the playing field because other countries pay such low minimum wages.  Oh, and, by the way, I should mention that our minimum wage will now be $20.00 per hour (Remember a second ago when I said I wasn’t great at math?  Demand One is actually two demands).  Why do we want a $20 minimum wage?  Because it’s taking a long f***ing time for someone to greenlight my screenplay.

Demand two: Institute a universal single payer healthcare system. To do this all private insurers must be banned from the healthcare market as their only effect on the health of patients is to take money away from doctors, nurses and hospitals preventing them from doing their jobs and hand that money to wall st. investors.

Translation: “Ok, so, if I understand the health care system correctly, private health insurance companies are set up solely to (1) take money from doctors, et al and (2) give that money to Wall Street investors.  That makes sense, right?  Good.  Solution (as always)?  Free stuff!!!  Sidebar – The single-payer health services provided also need to streamline treatment for pepper spray attacks and/or nightstick-related injuries.

Demand three: Guaranteed living wage income regardless of employment.

Translation: “A failure to work should have no impact on whether or not one receives a salary.  Whoever innovated the ancient connection between the two was probably a nobleman or, worse, a Republican.  Since the minimum (working) wage is now $20/hour, we’ll set the annual salary for non-workers at $35,000 per year in order to provide everyone with a living wage and avoid discrimination between those who work and those who don’t.  I can’t think of any issues that might arise among the minimum-wage workforce as a result of this policy.”

Demand four: Free college education.

Translation: “If you take nothing else away from what I say here today, remember this: There is no f***ing way I’m paying back the $130,000 in student loans I’ve racked up while acquiring my interpretive dance degree.  Just not happening.  As we know, education is a basic human right.”

Demand five: Begin a fast track process to bring the fossil fuel economy to an end while at the same bringing the alternative energy economy up to energy demand.

Translation: “The most basic economic factors – namely, supply and demand – can be tuned or ‘fast-tracked’ as easily as adjusting the AI sliders on Madden.  Let’s use that power to get rid of all petroleum-powered vehicles, like, yesterday.”

Demand six: One trillion dollars in infrastructure (Water, Sewer, Rail, Roads and Bridges and Electrical Grid) spending now.

Translation: “Once the government has paid for my health insurance, paid for my college education, and paid me a living wage, I would also like for it to spend $1,000,000,000,000 on infrastructure to pay for, among other things, the roads, bridges, and rail systems that I won’t be using to get to the job I won’t be working.”

Demand seven: One trillion dollars in ecological restoration planting forests, reestablishing wetlands and the natural flow of river systems and decommissioning of all of America’s nuclear power plants.

Translation: “Shit, almost forgot this one – Ok, ok . . . health insurance, college tuition for everyone, jobless wage, trillion for infrastructure, plus this trillion for ecological restoration.  Oh, and, in addition to the previously-mentioned ratcheting down of fossil fuel use, I would also like the government to shut down all nuclear power plants as well.  As a bonus, this might reduce the money needed for electrical grid infrastructure, as we may not have electricity.”

Demand eight: Racial and gender equal rights amendment.

Translation: “I’m only up to chapter two in my conlaw textbook.  Don’t tell me how it ends, you guys!!!”

Demand nine: Open borders migration. anyone can travel anywhere to work and live.

Translation: “Borders are so fascist.  This is the ‘jelly’ to my protectionist tariff ‘peanut butter.’  No foreseeable problems whatsoever.  Moving on . . . “

Demand ten: Bring American elections up to international standards of a paper ballot precinct counted and recounted in front of an independent and party observers system.

Translation: “I don’t care if we have superior technology to and ten or twenty times the population of most developing nations, we’re going to use hand-counted (and recounted) paper ballots, and I won’t accept any election results until the Carter Center certifies them!  I mean, do you honestly think Mondale lost?  Wake up, America!  If we work at it, I’m confident we can improve our standards to those of Mozambique – or perhaps even Ecuador!” 

Demand eleven: Immediate across the board debt forgiveness for all.  Debt forgiveness of sovereign debt, commercial loans, home mortgages, home equity loans, credit card debt, student loans and personal loans now!  All debt must be stricken from the “Books.”  World Bank Loans to all Nations, Bank to Bank Debt and all Bonds and Margin Call Debt in the stock market including all Derivatives or Credit Default Swaps, all 65 trillion dollars of them must also be stricken from the “Books.”  And I don’t mean debt that is in default, I mean all debt on the entire planet period.

Translation: “I know what you’re thinking.  ‘Won’t this effectively destroy every bank and financial institution in the country?’  Perhaps, but, trust me – this makes a lot more sense if you read it with a Russian accent.  Plus, we can convert the abandoned banks into government-run free housing!”

Demand twelve: Outlaw all credit reporting agencies.

Translation: “Demand Eleven eliminates the remaining twenty-three payments on my Diesel wagon, but it does not prevent the Jetta dealership from realizing that I was woefully behind on said payments when I attempt to purchase my new, non-fossil-fueled wagon a year from now.  Demand Twelve takes care of that.”

Demand thirteen: Allow all workers to sign a ballot at any time during a union organizing campaign or at any time that represents their yeah or nay to having a union represent them in collective bargaining or to form a union.

Translation: “As long as the ballots are (1) on paper, and (2) the signature is observed and re-observed by the Carter Center, we’re good.”

These demands will create so many jobs it will be completely impossible to fill them without an open borders policy.

Translation: “Well, it might not be so much the creation of jobs as it is the fact that a lot of people will be making a modest living without working, but the point is that there will be plenty of places hiring.  These employers won’t be able to fill all their needs domestically, so they’ll have to bring in folks who aren’t entitled to that living wage.  Boom.  I love it when a plan comes together.  I can’t put into words how wonderful it feels to be in the lowest 99% of income-earners in the United States, especially since I’m secure in the knowledge that we’re a homogeneous group that shares the same views and beliefs, which therefore means OWS’s objectives are everyone’s objectives.  Now . . . shouldn’t you be writing me a check?”