In honor of our impending Halloween weekend* and the zombie Moammar Gaddafis and slutty-fill-in-the-blanks who come with it, I thought it only fitting to scrutinize arguably the greatest sort-of-Halloween-themed song of all time.
I Want a New Drug Ghostbusters by Huey Lewis & the News Ray Parker, Jr. went all the way to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1984. Sandwiched between the legendary “Woman Out of Control” and “Jamie” in the Ray Parker singles discography, Ghostbusters went to the top of the charts on the strength of a catchy guitar riff, memorable lyrics (see below), and the overwhelming success of the ’84 blockbuster film that inspired it. No wonder the song took a nearly a whole day-and-a-half to write!
Let us then examine the meaning of this unforgettable hit song as we prepare to celebrate this fructose-centric holiday:
(Intro with “ghost stuff” sounds)
If you encounter anything unusual in or around the area in which you live . . .
If there’s something out of the ordinary that gives you pause . . .
Whom should you contact about these curious happenings?
I strongly suggest you opt for the Ghostbusters.
I myself am not personally afraid of ghosts.
I don’t want you to get the idea that ghosts bother me, I’m just passing along this information as a neighborly gesture given in the spirit (no pun intended!) of goodwill.
If you start to believe that you’re hallucinating apparitions . . .
Whom should you contact?
The Ghostbusters would be a wonderful option.
The aforesaid apparitions may include, but not are limited to, an improbably-sleeping ghost who also happens to be invisible catching forty winks in your very own bed.
If you notice such a thing – Whom should you contact?
I know I spend a disproportionate amount of time talking about ghost detection and capture, but I want to point out again that I am not afraid of ghosts.
You’re probably saying “methinks thou dost protest too much, Ray,” and I completely understand and appreciate your concerns, but I assure you that I am not at all terrified of these creatures.
Whom should you contact about your ghost-related difficulties?
Why, the Ghostbusters, naturally.
Especially if you’re by yourself when encountering these spirits, I urge you to place a call to the Ghostbusters to be spared from certain doom.
Despite the doom I just referenced, I in no way fear ghosts.
Important sidebar: It is my understanding that the ghosts about whom I’ve been talking are actively seeking female companionship.
However, I do not feel threatened by this or any other aspect of their ghostly prowess.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
Whom should you contact if you see a horny specter?
The Ghostbusters, of course.
Even a minor encounter with one of these amorous ghosts should be more than enough reason to take my advice and contact the Ghostbusters at once.
Allow me to impart another bit of knowledge:
I personally find busting ghosts to be an activity most pleasurable!
This should come as no surprise, given my previously-stated immunity to “ghost fear.”
Seriously, guys, they don’t scare me. Anyone who says I soil myself at the sight of a ghost is a dirty liar.
But, whatever you do, don’t let a ghost corner you. In case my implications weren’t clear enough before: The ghost WILL try to have intercourse (or worse!) with you.
So, with that in mind, whom should you consult when a ghoul enters your home?
You guessed it: The Ghostbusters.
Let’s recap. If you need ghosts removed from your home, whom should you contact?
If you’re having trouble with the undead, with whom should you consult?
The ghost-removing agency of professionals known as the Ghostbusters.
When deceased enemies decide to haunt you, to whom should you place your first call?
The admirable citizens known as the Ghostbusters.
Whom should you contact if you need a pizza delivered . . . to a ghost?
Trick question: It’s still the Ghostbusters.
Lastly, if someone who appears to be translucent and can pass through walls attempts to sex you up, upon whose collective shoulders should you cry?
That’s right: The Ghostbusters.
Don’t call them right this second, though. They’ll be otherwise occupied for the next few minutes, dancing down the streets of New York City with yours truly. Adieu!