Attention, Strangers: Buy My Unborn Child These Things

Many thanks to those loyal Axis of Ego readers who recently emailed me to bid congratulations on my impending procreation.  Some of you have also asked (very thoughtfully) where this precocious foetus is registered.  Let me stop you there.

Yes, the wife did register said baby at all of the typical national-chain retail stores.  Her registry includes every critical newborn essential, like the Bright Starts Teensy Turtle Cradling Bouncer (Blue), the BabyPro QuickServe Bottle, and four different varieties of stroller (for various terrains).

Fans of the A-of-E may find such gifts a bit pedestrian.  Therefore, as a service to those wishing to lavish me with awesome baby gifts, I have set up my own registry here at our humble blog.  But whether you’re looking for me, or that other pedantic, rap-obsessed wrestling fan you know, consider these truly inspirational baby gifts:

John Cena Never-Give-Up Onesie

WWE ShopZone does not have an extensive collection of wrestling-themed infant clothes, and the John Cena Onesie may be the only onesie that does not feature ax-wielding skeletons.  For this reason, it’s a must-have.

Hip Hop Hare

As a young boy growing up on a farm in rural Virginia, I cherished a small velveteen rabbit that I carried in the back of my red wagon.  My child will similarly cherish this little hippidy-hoppidy rabbit pal, complete with a white Kango, chains and wife-beater t-shirt.  The product summary for Hip Hop Hare provides an apt description:  “And cuz it’s all about the bling, he also wears a gold lamé medallion edged in sequins and embroidered with ‘HIP HOP.’”

Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Guns N’ Roses

OK, so this is actually really good.  The music of Guns N’ Roses transformed into xylophonic lullabies may be the soundtrack of my personal afterlife.  I agreed with the producer’s omission of “Chinese Democracy” tracks.   Sorry Buckethead.

Little Pim: Playtime, Learning Chinese for Babies DVD

Because my baby is competing with your baby in an increasingly competitive global marketplace.  That’s why.

Fun and Fitness Kids Weight Bench Set

As any baby fitness instructor will tell you, it’s never too early to introduce your infant to weight training.  This product bears a couple of flaws, however.  First, the set contains multiple rainbow-colored plates.  Unless your child will be working out with candy-stripped short-shorts, you will need to murder-out the plates.  Second, no 45s?  Really?  What is this, Curves?

Corporate Baby Romper

Some dads dress their newborns in sports uniforms, but not me.  Kids should confront the sad potentiality of a meaningless corporate existence right off the bat.  Nothing says “inevitability” like the Corporate Baby Romper.  Hell, I may as well sign him up for the LSATs.

About Mike Austin

Arguably 6'1''.
This entry was posted in Commentary, General Culture and News and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Attention, Strangers: Buy My Unborn Child These Things

  1. Pingback: Site Reorganization / Slight Reorganization | The Axis of Ego

  2. Mork says:

    This blog needs more CatPaint.

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