We do some pretty wacky things to try to shovel as much sugar into our collective diet as possible.
Take, for example, this new cereal. Here’s a picture of the box, sent to me by a good friend who knew I would have some thoughts:
Obviously, this is a seasonal offshoot of the most delicious breakfast cereal of all time, Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You may also be familiar with the other members of the “Toast Crunch” family: Peanut-butter Toast Crunch and French Toast Crunch.
There is one key criteria that separates those cereals from the abomination you see pictured above.
There is no such thing as “sugar cookie toast.”
Sugar cookies exist. Toast obviously exists.
Sugar cookie toast is a non-thing.
Now, you may be saying, “Don’t take this naming convention so literally, Tom!” But where does it end? Birthday Cake Toast Crunch? Apple Pie Toast Crunch? Refined Sugar and Corn Syrup Toast Crunch? Juvenile Diabetes Toast Crunch?
And, yes, I would try any and all of those. And I’m sure they would be delicious. That’s not the point.
The point is that those of us in decent society – good, patriotic Americans everywhere – have to draw a line at some point.
And I draw that line at making up kinds of toast for the convenience of popular cereal brands.
It’s called a moral code, people. There’s nothing more delicious than that.