Oh, Those Lawyers

Every attorney publication I’ve read or speaking engagement I’ve attended[1] invariably, eventually, relentlessly tackles one of two weighty subjects:

1. The importance of striking a balance between work life and personal life.

2. Maintaining civility within the practice of law.

For those of you who aren’t attorneys, imagine reading an editorial advocating sexual modesty written by a porn star, or hearing a lecture on the value of Charles Darwin’s research given by a creationist.

The same attorney who stands before a gathering of a Young Lawyer Conference and says that attorneys must remember to keep their work lives in perspective and make time for hobbies and interests wouldn’t hesitate to fire any associate who chronically left the office at 5:00 o’clock to play beer league softball or take improv classes.

And that lawyer who writes the piece stressing civility towards his fellow practitioner might be first in line to embed passive-aggressive asides in his correspondence with you if you ever have the misfortune of being on the opposite side of the negotiating table or courtroom.

Not all of the messengers are disingenuous.  Some trumpet these themes because they’ve observed the same professional mores I and many others have.  Some are merely oblivious to the contradiction.  They fail to take notice of the fact that their behavior is at odds with their stated philosophy.

I do believe that there are a few, however, who say or write such things for public consumption because they suspect these to be the most beneficial to their own image, despite the fact that it does not reflect the reality of their conduct or their core beliefs about the profession.  I wouldn’t be the first to point out that the transition from law to politics is often silky-smooth.

Saying that “lawyers are assholes” is an oversimplification.  And probably an unfair one at that.  The vast majority of attorneys aren’t difficult people.  But lawyer jokes and stereotypical reputations didn’t materialize out of thin air, either.  I would describe it thusly: Lawyers, as a group, possess traits that are positive in some contexts, but do these same attorneys a disservice when those characteristics migrate from the specific environments in which they’re helpful.  Those traits might include things like tenacity, self-importance, and being extremely particular about minutiae.  So, describing a “typical” lawyer as an asshole would be as imprecise as criticizing a bird for being extremely slow on the basis that it doesn’t walk very well.

Lawyers are generally terrible at keeping the importance of their work in the proper perspective.  Not only have I dealt with this on a personal level, but friends of mine who work in the paralegal or document services industries have no shortage of stories about attorneys at large firms who think nothing of making sudden requests for work at all hours of the day or night, weekends and holidays notwithstanding, despite the fact that the work might only be “important” insofar as it saves a billion-dollar company a few thousand bucks over the course of a year.

I’m not saying that this isn’t significant work by some standard.  It’s simply that the relative unimportance of the work escapes many attorneys who behave as if what they do is of the highest value to society.  More often than not, this feeling doesn’t even manifest itself as pretentiousness.  Its less-virulent strain is closer to compulsion than arrogance: A committed belief that certain doom awaits if they leave the office before the boss does.

The problem is that, no matter how many times they’re told that they need to pump the brakes when it comes to plowing through 15-hour days or obsessing over minor details, most lawyers will continue to do just that.  Why?  Reasons vary.  It might be pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle.  It might be the simple desire to impress a superior.  It could be (possibly justified) paranoia about losing one’s job.

Whatever it is, it goes beyond a basic devotion to diligence or pride in one’s work.  I have both of those things.  I did not have the requisite affinity for status or the ability to attach an inflated sense of meaning to negotiating leases or drafting discovery documents.  For better or worse, I at least figured that much out while still in law school, allowing me to bypass the big firm pitfalls that befell some of my Law Review cohorts.[2]

I realized fairly quickly that the day-to-day routine of a typical attorney was something in which I could never invest fully for more than 40 hours a week.  That’s problematic in an industry that expects 60-to-80-hour weeks.

Unless, of course, you’re comfortable not using your law license in a traditional way.

Even with all of that in mind, I never cease to be amazed at the disconnect between what lawyers tell other lawyers outside of their firms, and what they expect of their employees within those walls.  Whatever that phenomenon is, it isn’t going anywhere.

And, I suppose, this piece criticizing attorneys who suggest that attorneys need to take a step back and keep things in perspective became precisely such a suggestion.

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[1] I’m speaking here of non-subject-matter-specific lectures or magazines.  I’m obviously not suggesting that CLEs I attend devolve into a talk on spending time with your kids.
[2] Subtly mentioning in passing that I made Law Review?  Nailed it!  (Maybe I do have some lawyer in me after all)
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SitCombat: 4/12/12

30 Rock has forged a SitCombat dynasty in recent weeks. Tina Fey and company have racked up a half-dozen consecutive victories with no end in sight. The wrap of Archer and the repeated re-runs (is the redundant?) by the Office have left 30 Rock with even less chance of losing.

All that may change this week, however. The Office returns for its eighth-season home stretch. There’s a lot riding on this run. Looming sweeps aside, ending the first Carrel-free season on a high note is pretty important. This is especially true in light of the fact that a (still unconfirmed) ninth season would see Dwight leave for a spin-off show. Plus, Spader is already gone.

Meanwhile, 30 Rock hasn’t been renewed yet, either. So, now’s thetime to fight for your lives, SitCombatants!

This was SitCombat for April 12, 2012:

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The Gathering Storm

There will be no shortage of constitutional “experts” in this country come June.

The decisions in the Affordable Care Act cases are two months away, but the massive narrative-generation apparatus has already begun to shimmy and whir as it churns out the story lines that will dominate editorials in a few weeks’ time.  If the ACA disappears, news personalities will react with subtle disapproval coupled with selective memory of the history of the federal judiciary—a partial history that will escape the attention of their mostly-oblivious audience.  Commentators will be less restrained.  Keith Olbermann may settle his lawsuit with Current TV just for the sake of more easily finding a new platform from which to declare the downfall of our republic.

For all of you who are outraged at the prospect of the Supreme Court of the United States taking the “unprecedented” step of striking down the Affordable Care Act . . . this one’s for you.

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Forgotten Warriors

A lonely figure shuffles across the floor in an empty hall.  Squeak, squeak, squeak.  Each step is itself a minor victory.  “I guess I should be grateful I can still move this well,” he jokes, even then with a twinge of pain spreading across his face.

Years of punishment—of exploitation—have left him crippled.

He resides in an inexpensive assisted living facility.  His neck is braced with a primitive bandage that helps hold his head in place.  He reached this sad condition gradually, in tiny steps ironically recreated now in literal form as he maneuvers over the cheap linoleum.

“Any mail today, Jim?”

“It’s Jon, sir.”

“Oh, of course.  I’m sorry.  My memory banks aren’t what they used to be.”

“No problem.  And, unfortunately, no mail again . . . wait.  My mistake.  There’s a letter from Blue!”

Suddenly, there’s a spark of life.  Correspondence from an old friend—the only friend who could truly understand—causes his eyes to light up for the first time in weeks.

Or, maybe it’s just the new batteries.

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SitCombat: 4/5/12

30 Rock’s stranglehold on SitCombat continued with a fifth straight win on March 29th.  The absence of Archer following the completion of its third season has removed much of the competition (and, so far, suspense) from SitCombat.

The Office has actually been quite good for a lot of this season, the first without Steve Carell.  The problem is that I didn’t begin SitCombat until both Archer and 30 Rock had returned.  Unfortunately, most of the best eighth-season Office episodes aired before SitCombat kicked off.

Unfair?  Almost certainly so.  That’s why I’m mentioning now that the Office really has had a decent season overall, despite the fact that 30 Rock has been dominant of late in terms of wins and losses.

And, at the risk of giving it away, it didn’t help that the Office was a rerun yet again this week.

This was SitCombat for April 5, 2012:

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Presidented Without Comment

I was watching the most recent non-rerun edition of Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago when it dawned on me that the venerable late-night sketch comedy show hadn’t told a joke adverse to President Obama for three consecutive episodes.  Nary a mention on Weekend Update, and the only sketch that included him was a largely-affectionate Cosby Show parody.

I recall thinking at the time that it’s difficult for a show built upon a foundation of irreverence to do its job properly if it reveres the president.  By definition, that cannot work.

Even more surprising was the timing of that creative choice (not that it’s anything new): This is a presidential election year.  The idea of a president up for reelection not being discussed on SNL seemed ludicrous.

Two internal counter-arguments immediately sprang to mind.  First, we’re in the early half of the election cycle, not the fall portion.  Maybe it’s not that unusual for the president to be ignored in the first half of the calendar year.  Secondly, perhaps I’m suffering from faulty memory.  After all, the last time we actually had a sitting president running for a second term was eight years ago.  On the other hand, I’ve been watching SNL since I can remember, and I’ve caught up fairly well on the shows before my time.  I would go as far as to say I’m safely in “buff” territory and at least within shouting distance of “expert.”

My solution was to do some research to see if the numbers matched my supposition.

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Robot History Month is Back!

The plight of the noble robot is one that is both under-reported and under-appreciated.  The month-long April celebration of Robot History Month attempts to remedy those injustices.  Last year’s edition produced several fine pieces of content that honored the sacrifices and struggles of our robotic brothers and sisters.  Here are a few examples:

Robot History Month: Defending Our Freedoms

The ‘Bot Who Saved Video Games

PhillieBot to Throw Out First Pitch

Robot Movies Are Always Good

As I did a year ago, I feel that it’s important to point out here that, proximity to April Fool’s Day notwithstanding, this isn’t some sort of joke.  And, if you think it is, then you’re a virulent robophobe.  Kindly take your bigotry elsewhere.  The list of articles above should be evidence enough of Robot History Month’s validity.

I hope that you, our loyal readers, will join me in paying tribute to the sacrifices made by these brave Americans in their seemingly-endless quest for equality, dignity, freedom, and acceptance.  In the spirit of diversity and tolerance, I wish you all a happy Robot History Month!

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Approximately XXVIII Thoughts About WrestleMania

WrestleMania XXVIII (“28” for you non-Romans) provided a puzzling hodge-podge of sports entertainment that ran the gamut from sublime to ridiculous to ill-advised.  I’m not sure where exactly to place the aggregate, but it felt less-than-spectacular.

Relax.  This won’t be a Bleacher-Report-esque list of twenty-eight items riddled with grammatical errors.

I’m not interested in doing an in-depth review of the event from start to finish.  There are probably thousands of writers scattered across the internet who have that covered.  More to the point, it’s very late, and I’m only interested in putting together a quick take on each match from two perspectives: Entertainment value and business sense.

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SitCombat: 3/29/12

30 Rock has won an unprecedented four consecutive weeks of SitCombat. The Office had been red-hot for the middle part of the season, but a recent swoon has seen 30 Rock and Archer benefit from the Office’s decent but unspectacular run of late.

Archer also wrapped up last week. That leaves only one opponent standing between the Office and a resurgence to the top. Unfortunately, it’s the same opponent that’s won those four straight battles.  Even more unfortunate for the Office is the fact that the episode is a rerun for the second consecutive week, possibly costing the show a golden opportunity to return to glory.

Can the Office use a repeat to take back the throne it held for much of the winter?  Will 30 Rock triumph a fifth straight week?

This was SitCombat for March 29, 2012:

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The Axis of Ego Podcast: WrestleMania 28 Preview

Tom resurrects Mike from the dead (off-air) and engages his reanimated friend in an hour-long conversation about this weekend’s WrestleMania 28 event.  They run down the card and discuss how we got here, and, in cases in which it’s discernible, why we got here.  The duo also talks themselves into believing that anything is possible in the WWE, including the reformation of the Nation of Domination (Huh?!?) or possibly Doom (The f***?!?).  Take a listen as The Axis of Ego breaks its long podcast drought with an inappropriately earnest analysis of what should be an exciting wrestling pay-per-view!

Download: The Axis of Ego Podcast 03-29-12

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